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[ website | Rock&Art : Taking on the world, and your Mom. ]
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[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[25 Oct 2005|06:27pm]
in every single word possible, i will always tell my friends they are my strength. They are the reason i survive, and find myself able to carry on, despite my odds. I have had my ups and my downs over the years, and amazingly enough, there have been people that can recall all those up's and all those down's. But i find my words, and my meaning grow hollow. My life is more of a secret then it has ever been. Keeping words locked up, and feelings left to be a mystery even to myself. I have lived a good life, when you look at things, and i am thankful for that. I consider myself lucky in that sense, but everything else i have worked so hard for. My life is nothing what it really seems because i am too afraid to be honest with you, and i'm too afraid to be honest with myself. And i am at the age where my life is expected to be confusing, and it is confusing. Even now, i hold my tongue, keeping things locked away. Perhaps this is where most things are best kept. Nothing better to hide a nightmare in, then in the dark.

I seem to only really get use from this livejournal by being able to look and read what it going on in the lives of those i care for, and to that end, i am no longer going to be writing in here. I find it has become pointless, and frankly, just annoying to take the time to write in here. I will only keep this account active so i can see how you all are doing.

I love you.

Goodbye, Friends.

i never did play well with others. [24 Oct 2005|05:50pm]
it's funny how before you give up, you get angry, and that anger can keep you from giving up because it makes you feel something you don't get to feel often ... invincible. You get to feel cold, bitter, vengeful, and many other things that don't usually relate to good things. Worst feeling in the world is that of being betrayed, and then you get to see another start and try to live your life. Your whole identity get's taken away from you, and what are you left with? your worst fears because again, like those years ago, you know exactly what you are capable of, and how far you will go. You know who you will stab in the back, and sadly, many names appear in your mind. Your worst fear will always be yourself, at least that's in my case. I will never be able to stop myself, just try and contain the damage i cause. It's insane to think that i am aware how i can destroy a life, and even worse, i know i can enjoy it ... and i have. My past haunts me, it keeps me moving forward. Who said running away is no way to live life? it's the only thing i believe keeps me alive sometimes. My past destroyed me, and it turned me into something i hate ... wait, that's not fair, my past didn't turn me into anything. I turned myself into something i hate. What lies beneath my skin is horrid. I scare myself and that's more than enough for a lifetime. I'd cut out your heart, just so you could see how mine has been broken over, and over, and over.

i don't know what my next move will be ... but it won't end well.
7 open wounds| slit my wrist

[15 Oct 2005|12:28pm]
i am so close to writting off this entire life and starting over. blank.
1 open wound| slit my wrist

[14 Oct 2005|10:28pm]
if you challenge me, i will destroy you.
you screw me, and i will bring the world crashing down.
i don't just lay over and die.
i take you out with me, if i have to.
this is all bullshit what you're doing to me.
i will ruin you.
i fight, and i win.
one way, or another.
this is not as simple as you think it is.
i don't forget that easy, you mother fuckers.
slit my wrist

[13 Oct 2005|05:20pm]
[ mood | enraged ]

it's just been one of those fucking days.

overwhelmed with shippment at work, and i'm the one that gets to do it all.
my knee is just getting worse.
some custome suggested that i be fired.
my upstairs neighbor, that stomps around all the fucking time shaking my light cover, and actual apartment, came down to tell me i need to keep my music down in the morning (understandable i suppose) because he is trying to sleep, since he's tired from fucking stompping around at 3 in the fucking morning!
god, i just fucking hate people today.
i'm broke as shit.
i want to just say to sarah "FUCK YOU"
and everyone fucking wants something from me lately.
and now, now... i get to look for a second job so i can keep paying my rent.
Fuck this shit man.
My life is just fucking crap.
ANd since i didn't get promoted, i don't know if i can move at the end of next summer.
and no one can really tell me why i was passed up on the promotion. WHAT THE FUCK?!
it's one of those fucking days, and i'm just pissed. PISSED.
my life is falling apart around me, and all i can do is take on more things that stress me the fuck out.
and unless someone is in the exact situation as i am, i don't want to hear any sympathy, or "i understand" crap.
fuck... i think i just want to be left alone.
FUCK!

2 open wounds| slit my wrist

all those things i always wanted to say. [12 Oct 2005|11:00pm]
sometimes the saddest thing, is knowing that you're happy.
slit my wrist

[11 Oct 2005|04:49am]
yesterday was pretty rough, and today i don't have much hope for anything better...

disappoint me one more time, and pull the knife out
slit my wrist

i effing love stefanie, and not just because she's 6' tall. [09 Oct 2005|12:50am]
hung out with stefanie tonight. from about 4-12. that's an awesome 8 hours of stefanie, and it never got boring. I feel that she's one of those types of people that would go to the wall for me, and i would do the same for her. She's got my back, and i've got her's because that's how we roll.
we first went and got pizza, well, she ate the pizza and i ate her crust. then she saw my apartment while i took a pee. then we drove out to ballard while jamming to a bunch of cds. she found day of the dead items, and bought a few postcards. went into sonic boom, and that was cool. then out toward the fremont bridge to find the troll, but ended up at golden gardens, and turned around and headed back. did the ballard locks thing. both of us ended up with really wet pants, and then she wanted socks for her shoes, so back up toward phinny ridge and then into greenlake area to get socks and mexican food. went to fred meyer for the socks. she ended up getting a pair of awesome yellow low top converse, halloween socks that played ghost music, and candy. it was rad. then we got some awesome mexican food. it was so so so good, and we're so going back again. after that, went to her friends place and hung out, watched half of SLC Punk and yeah. then after we couldn't get the car to start, we got it started and she brought me home. It was so fucking awesome with her today. i adore her. so gonna have to hang out with her like that again. had great conversation, and we were so personal too about what we talked about, it was great. she's awesome, and i'm tired.
1 open wound| slit my wrist

[08 Oct 2005|01:42pm]
san francisco ... each day it looks better.
moving will be good.
it will be good for me.
now the hard part ... saving the money to move that far.
slit my wrist

[08 Oct 2005|10:16am]
as much of a good friend i can be, i'm just not down with people calling me when they are drunk at 2am, crying, because they totally lost control of their emotions, mainly on part of being drunk, and alone.
You are always going to lose control over your emtions until you start taking control over your actions, and choices.
i'm not a perfect walking example or anything, but i've done my best to find my problems, and remove those factors from my life. It's my gift... i can write things, and people off with out a problem. I've done it before, and it just gets easier as time goes by.
1 open wound| slit my wrist

[05 Oct 2005|04:04am]
this sucks.
whatever.
4 open wounds| slit my wrist

[01 Oct 2005|05:46pm]
it's mass thunder and lightning outside. perfect for a scary movie night date... but she had to cancel, so that sucks.
guess i'm alone again tonight.
2 open wounds| slit my wrist

feeling better [28 Sep 2005|04:47pm]
lets go away for a while, you and i, to a strange and empty land

lets go today, in a heart beat.
2 open wounds| slit my wrist

am i still your charm, or am i just bad luck? [27 Sep 2005|07:07am]
today would have been our 2 year anniversary.
andiamdonecounting
slit my wrist

what a week. [23 Sep 2005|08:30pm]
It's been quite a week, and i still have a day left. I've been pretty social this week on top of working, which is odd. Usually i put so much into work, I'm too tired to go out and be social and up late.
On sunday i went and hung out with my dad. made him dinner and played some video games, and since my sister was borrowing the car, i had to walk to a bus, take a bus into town, then a bus back to the U-district. Got home semi-early. It was after 9, and i had to get up early on monday and get ready, and then leave to catch a bus into town, then one to lynnwood to see shannon. I had to leave an hour and a half before i had to be there. And then hanging out with shan, she bought me a smoothie and took me to a free movie since she works for a theater. We saw Cry Wolf, and it was a lot better than i thought it would be. it turned out to not be the teen slasher flick the commercial made it out to be. Then we got some late lunch, early dinner. Walked around the mall and then i took a bus home. On tuesday, well besides having to be up at 5 for work, i don't think i did anything extra that day. On wednesday i was up at 6 and went to work. put in a full day then walked up to broadway and met up with Laura, and we went and got something to eat and played catch up since it'd been so long since we really hung out and just talked. Then afterward, we walked back down to store 37 and she looked for some jeans. She bought a pair of Diesel jeans for $20. Then i headed to the bus and came home. Then got up at 4 on thursday, and went to work from 6-1, and met shannon again outside of the entrance, and we went and got some food real quick and then saw The 40 Year Old Virgin, and it was hilarious. I almost fell out of my seat a few times laughing, and it wasn't even at the times where the whole crowd is laughing. it was great. Then after that we went our own ways. i came home after stopping in urban to talk to meghan. And came home, made some dinner, ate, then left again for Sonia's and Willie's little apartment party. I got to see many people i haven't seen since i stopped working at store 12. Besides WIllie and Sonia, i saw Katherine, and i just ADORE Katherine. Melissa Kahili was there, and Laura. Caitlin was there, but i never really talked to her anyway. Brett and Megan came, and it was just a lot of fun. I had only planned on stayed till around 9:30 but was there till midnight. Got home around 12:30am and got in bed around 1am. Got up early again for work today... put in another full day. And i'm just beat. I'm actually glad meghan couldn't go out for pancakes tonight at minnies. I'm so beat.

So, next week... work as usual. Dan's band is playing at El Corazon. I'm taking pictures and helping Jeanette learn how to take live concert shots. And on saturday since i open, Hailey and i are doing a movie night. it's going to be a lot of fun.

Tie Her Down | Senses Fail | Let It Enfold You
slit my wrist

[22 Sep 2005|05:16am]
my right knee has been hurting a bit since monday.
this worries me because it's the knee i had surgery 2 years ago.
i hope i'm okay...
slit my wrist

the cat vs. the mouse & me vs. the world [19 Sep 2005|08:57pm]
Today i went and graced L-wood and they loved every second of it.
Saw the Shanran and went to Cry Wolf which was a lot better than i thought. 8 thumbs up. got some food. she bought some clothes, and i bought the Bullet For My Valentine cd. it's rad. i like it.

talking with shannon got me thinking. And then talking to my dad tonight... i'm really proud of him. He's taking care of my mom still, and now my sister. He shouldn't have to be doing this, but he does. And i know he worries about me so much, especially since i always refuse his help and tell him that i'm okay, when really i'm not. He is doing something i don't think i could do. i don't know how he is able to put up with all of it. They both should be off taking care of themselves but they are not. I'm the only one keeping afloat. And i do have my dad a lot to thank for that for how he helped raise me, and sarah to thank actually.
i'm just thinking about my life a lot tonight after talking with shannon. Where i am, and where i'm going. what i've done with my life, and how i've made it this far. And last night i talked with my friend Hailey about how i am a proud person. I am a fighter with too much pride. I refuse help when i need it, and i don't even tell people when i need someone, even just a shoulder to cry on. I try to take on the world, and refuse, refuse to let it win. It's hard being proud. I have to be the surviver even if it kills me. How much i'd like to give in sometimes, but it's very hard to do. It's what keeps me able to live and make it on my own, but it brings me down so much too. I need to learn to ask for help, but i never want to add to someones worries. And it's better for them to think everything is okay.


No Control | Bullet For My Valentine | Hand Of Blood
1 open wound| slit my wrist

a gun shot wound to the head, and my shirt is ruined [19 Sep 2005|12:21am]
[ mood | surprised ]

i might go on a date... huh... how'd that happen?

You're So Last Summer | Taking Back Sunday | Tell All Your Friends

I should have known that you were a killer, but now i'm dead [18 Sep 2005|09:42am]
3 months

[16 Sep 2005|09:28pm]

Shake that ASS!
5 open wounds| slit my wrist

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